My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
