I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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