my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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