i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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