I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
