im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm just crazy horny about you
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
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