Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
