i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
