you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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