dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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