my phone needs a breathalizer
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
