I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The uberlube is also flammable
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
