I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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