You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize