So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
