apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
