Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
