so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
