She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
