I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The air was thick with penises
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
