she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
