if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
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