roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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