Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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