They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
