I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
