i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
