So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
