I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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