just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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