Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
