Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
