Soap is not a condiment
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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