Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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