i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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