I am midnight drunk by noon
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
