I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
