can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
