Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
