I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Drunk is not a location!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
