Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
All I want is dick and wine.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
