Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
