I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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