I heard we made out
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
