I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
