I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
