Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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