im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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