just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
