I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
