I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Life without a bra equals bliss.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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