dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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