As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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