All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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