wanna go halves on a baby?
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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