Swine flu. Run for my life!
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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