What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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