No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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