The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
