You work out of a Hotel?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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