I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
