WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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