It's like a parade of train wrecks.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
you made out with another girl for some wings
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
