loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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